What’s going on?
Book of Deuteronomy 23:2 says, “One of illegitimate birth shall not enter the assembly of the LORD; even to the tenth generation none of his descendants shall enter the assembly of the LORD.” If Jesus had truly been born out of wedlock, then He would have been disqualified under the Law from participating in the worshiping community. Yet the Gospels show Him teaching openly in the temple day after day (see Gospel of Matthew 26:55), without any accusation that He was violating this command.
It also would not make sense for Joseph to plan to “divorce her quietly” if he and Mary were only engaged in the modern sense. Today, if a couple is engaged and the man leaves after a pregnancy, that does not protect the woman from shame. In fact, since sex outside of marriage is considered sinful, leaving her would only make the situation worse. So let’s dive deeper to see what’s going on here.
Jewish Weddings
In ancient Judaism, marriage did not happen all at once. It unfolded in two distinct stages: kiddushin and nissuin. We can see evidence of both stages in Gospel of Matthew 1:18–19.
The first stage, kiddushin, was the formal betrothal. This was not like a modern engagement. It created a legally binding covenant between the man and the woman. From that point on, they were considered husband and wife in a legal sense, even though they did not yet live together. Ending this relationship required a formal divorce.
The second stage, nissuin, took place later. This is when the groom brought the bride into his home, and the marriage was fully completed.
In earlier centuries, these two stages were usually separated by about a year. According to traditions reflected in the Mishnah, this waiting period gave both families time to prepare—financially and practically—for married life. During that time, the bride stayed in her father’s house, and the groom remained in his father’s household as well. In the ancient world, unmarried men did not typically live on their own. A son stayed with his father until he established his own household by taking a wife.
Today, however, kiddushin and nissuin are performed together in a single ceremony. What was once a year-long process is now completed in one day.
Stage 1: Kiddushin
A traditional Jewish wedding has two parts: kiddushin and nissuin. The first stage, kiddushin, is often translated “betrothal.” That translation is not ideal, but it is the closest English equivalent. The problem is that in modern Western culture, a betrothal is simply a promise to marry. In ancient Judaism, kiddushin was much more than that—it was already a real, legally binding marriage.
In fact, once kiddushin took place, the couple was considered husband and wife under the law. If they decided not to move forward to the second stage, the nissuin, a formal get (divorce document) was required to end the relationship. That alone shows that this was not merely an engagement.
The seriousness of kiddushin is reflected in the Talmud, which devotes an entire tractate to explaining how it works. It states that a woman is “acquired” (that is, legally joined in marriage) in three ways: through money, through a written document, or through sexual relations. In other words, kiddushin could be established by the payment of a bride-price, by signing a marriage contract, or by consummation.
The scholar Michael Satlow notes that in some Jewish communities in antiquity, sexual relations did occur during the kiddushin period, even before nissuin. Rabbinic sources suggest that expectations of complete abstinence during this stage were not always enforced uniformly. For example, some Babylonian and Palestinian traditions indicate that couples in Judea were known to be together during betrothal.
From a modern Western perspective, this can sound scandalous—like a couple “getting away with” premarital sex. But that misunderstands the legal reality of the time. During kiddushin, the couple was already married in a binding legal sense; they simply had not yet begun living together in the same household. Sexual relations in that context were not considered fornication or adultery. They were one of the recognized ways of establishing the marriage itself.
We see something similar in Book of Genesis 24, where Isaac brings Rebekah into his tent and she becomes his wife. The act itself seals the marriage. There is no hint of scandal in the text because, within that cultural and legal framework, this was a legitimate way of contracting marriage.
That said, the rabbis were not entirely comfortable with marriages being formed privately through sexual relations. Because this method lacked public witnesses and formal documentation, later rabbinic authorities preferred that kiddushin be established through money or a written contract. Over time, they strongly encouraged public, formal procedures rather than private consummation as the means of initiating marriage.
All of this highlights how different ancient Jewish assumptions about marriage were from modern Western ones. Today, we sharply separate sex and marriage legally. In antiquity, under Jewish law, sexual union itself could create the marital bond.
Stage 2: Nissuin
In the ancient Jewish world, once kiddushin had taken place, the couple was legally married—but they were not yet living together. The husband still lived in his father’s household, and the wife remained in hers. Before they could begin life together, he had to prepare a place for her.
Practically speaking, this meant building or preparing living space within his father’s household. Rabbinic tradition, reflected in the Talmud, discusses time frames for this preparation. In general terms, a groom might have up to a year to make ready a suitable home, though the details could vary depending on circumstances, such as whether the bride’s father was living.
The second stage, nissuin, was completed when the bride was formally brought into her husband’s home. This usually took place under the wedding canopy (chuppah). At that moment, she left the authority of her father’s household and entered the authority of her husband’s. The shift was not primarily about sexual consummation; it was about a public, covenantal transfer of households—about where she now belonged and under whose headship she lived.
The Talmud puts it this way: even after betrothal, a daughter remains under her father’s authority until she enters her husband’s authority through the marriage ceremony. So although the marriage bond had already been established in kiddushin, it was only at nissuin that the new household truly began.
This background sheds light on a powerful image in the New Testament. In Gospel of John 14:2–3, at the Last Supper, Jesus says, “In my Father’s house are many rooms… I go to prepare a place for you… and I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also.” To first-century Jewish ears, this language would have sounded like that of a bridegroom preparing a home. The implication is deeply symbolic: the covenant bond is established, but the final “bringing home” is still to come.
Understanding nissuin in its original setting helps us see that the second stage of marriage was about dwelling together in a new household and entering a new sphere of authority. It completed what kiddushin had already begun.
Here is Chabbad.org, a Jewish website, laying this down:
Two Stages in Marriage
According to Torah law, marriage is a two-step process. The first stage is called “kiddushin,” and the second step is known as “nisu’in.” Kiddushin is commonly translated as betrothal, but actually renders the bride and groom full-fledged husband and wife. After this point, if, G‑d forbid, they decided to part ways, a “get” (Jewish divorce) would be required. However, the bride and groom are not permitted to live together as husband and wife until the second stage, the nisu’in, is completed.
Kiddushin:
According to Torah law, there are three ways to betroth a woman:1 a) A money transaction. The man gives to the woman money or any object of value. b) A document. The man gives the woman a marriage document which states his intention to marry her.2 c) Sexual intercourse with the intention that it consummates the marriage.
The rabbis forbade betrothing though intercourse, making it a punishable offense.
In order for the betrothal to take effect, the transaction must be witnessed by two kosher witnesses.3
The common custom is to betroth by means of a money transaction, using the traditional wedding band to effect the kiddushin. Aside for the kabbalistic reasons for this tradition,4 there is also a practical explanation — a ring serves as a constant and highly visible reminder of the couple’s wedding commitment. Additionally, most possessions owned by husband or wife end up belonging to the “family” and are enjoyed by all members of the household. Using a ring to transact the marriage assures that the item will belong exclusively to the wife.
Nisu’in:
The nisu’in is accomplished through “chupah” — the husband uniting with the wife under one roof for the sake of marriage. See Chupah for an extensive discussion on this topic.
In ancient times, the two stages of marriage were done on separate occasions, often separated by a full year which the groom would devote to Torah study. Both the kiddushin and the nisu’in were accompanied by celebratory feasts. By the twelfth century this practice had ended, and it became customary to do both kiddushin and nisu’in, successively, beneath the chupah. One of the reasons given for this change of custom is the poverty which prevailed in the Jewish communities. People simply couldn’t afford the expense of the two celebrations
Both Stages in Matthew 1:18–19
The rabbinic description of the two stages of marriage is strongly supported by the biblical text itself. In Gospel of Matthew 1:18–19 we read:
“When His mother Mary had been betrothed to Joseph, before they came together, she was found to be with child of the Holy Spirit… And Joseph her husband, being a just man and unwilling to put her to shame, resolved to send her away quietly.”
Notice the two distinct phrases: “betrothed” and “before they came together.” That is the language of kiddushin followed by nissuin. The betrothal had already taken place, but the second stage—when she would come to live with him—had not yet occurred.
Importantly, Matthew already calls Joseph her “husband.” That only makes sense if kiddushin created a real legal marriage. And when Joseph considers “sending her away,” he is contemplating divorce. A formal separation was required because the bond was already binding. This was not a broken engagement; it was a potential dissolution of a legal marriage.
By the time the angel announces the conception, Mary and Joseph have already completed kiddushin. Under Jewish law, they are husband and wife. In that cultural context—especially in Judea—sexual relations during this stage would not have been inherently scandalous, since the marriage covenant was already established. Yet Matthew makes clear that they had not “come together.”
Joseph’s conclusion, before receiving divine clarification, is therefore understandable. If his legally married wife is pregnant, and he knows he is not the father, the natural assumption would be adultery. As a “just man,” he does not want to expose her publicly, which could have led to severe social and legal consequences. Instead, he resolves to divorce her quietly—seeking both to uphold the law and to spare her public disgrace.
Mary’s Shock
In Gospel of Luke 1:34, Mary responds to the angel: “How shall this be, since I know not a man?” The point of her question is not that she is unmarried. She is already betrothed. Rather, she is saying that she is not sexually active. How, then, is she to conceive a child?
That reaction is striking. Imagine a bride-to-be at a wedding shower. Someone says, “You’re going to have beautiful children!” Everyone smiles—except the bride, who looks stunned and asks, “How would that happen?” Such a response would immediately seem odd. Either she has no understanding of how children are conceived, or she does not intend to have sexual relations, even after marriage.
Mary’s astonishment is similar. She is a betrothed woman. She understands how children are conceived. Yet when the angel says, “You will conceive in your womb and bear a son” (Luke 1:31), she is perplexed.
That promise echoes earlier announcements in Israel’s history—to Sarah in Book of Genesis 18, to Hannah in Books of Samuel 1, and to the Shunammite woman in Books of Kings 4. In each case, the promise meant that the woman would conceive through her husband. None of them express confusion about how it would happen; they wonder whether it can happen, given age or barrenness. Mary’s question is different. She does not doubt God’s power—she asks how this conception will occur at all.
That difference has led many Christians to conclude that Mary had already resolved to remain a virgin, even within marriage. Without that assumption, her question seems unusual.
Interestingly, among the Dead Sea Scrolls we find discussions about vows, including circumstances under which a young woman’s vow—potentially even one involving perpetual virginity—would be considered binding. This shows that the concept of a woman dedicating herself in a special way to God was not foreign to the Jewish world of the time.
If Mary had made such a vow, then her marriage to Joseph would not have been expected to function as an ordinary marital relationship. Instead, it could have provided protection, stability, and companionship in a society where women were often economically and socially vulnerable. The Gospels themselves reflect this vulnerability—for example, in Jesus’ compassion toward the widow of Nain in Luke 7.
Seen within its Jewish context, then, Mary’s reaction is not irrational. It may reflect a prior commitment that shaped her understanding of marriage itself. Without that cultural and religious background, her question can seem confusing. With it, her astonishment becomes more intelligible.